"But the most priceless gift is that I feel alive again and I am happy"
At the beginning of 2015, I was suffering a lot. The year before I left a spiritual group that left me feeling emotionally and mentally abused. I was the leaders assistant for 4 years and looking back, I can see he controlled my life. He told me what to do, what to wear, what to eat and when to speak. I would be publicly shamed and frequently humiliated, as would many other members of the group. I can see now that we were all ruled through fear.
In 2014 I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after I had a nervous breakdown. I then battled depression, anxiety, panic attacks. It was a struggle to live everyday and suicide was on my mind each morning when I woke up.
It was somewhat serendipitous my introduction to Kundalini Yoga. A friend is a Kundalini Yoga teacher in LA, and she had posted about Kundalini Yoga on Facebook. I saw the post and thought to myself, I need to see if there is a Kundalini Yoga studio here on the Gold Coast. The next morning there was a post on my news feed about a 2 day Kundalini Yoga workshop called 'Live By Intuition'. I was motivated to try something completely different.
The workshop was confronting for me. The kriyas, meditations, and chanting brought up so much anger, sadness, tears and frustration. I had thoughts of 'what have I gotten myself into', and 'I'm never coming back'. After that workshop, I didn't go back for a few months. But I am glad that I did.
It was at Winter Solstice Celebrations at Centre for Life that things changed. We began the solstice meditation and I began to really sob. I had no idea why but the meditation had really moved something inside of me. It was the same with the other mantras that night. I wasn't sure what they were called, but I felt like I knew them. From this point forward, I found myself turning up to class regularly as I know deep down, it is what I need to heal from my past traumas.
Fast forward 5 months after the solstice event and I had an experience of a deep sense of happiness from within. It was a class on 'polarities' and we were performing a simple posture of crossing the arms and legs, back and forth. The healing effect of Kundalini Yoga was unmistakable. I could feel my smile again.
Since then I have only deepened my spiritual practice, learning, self-awareness and self-connection. But the most priceless gift is that I feel alive again and I am happy. I haven't felt this kind of happiness in many many years. I want to wake up now everyday, I want to live again.
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